Wednesday10th August

Never one to shy away from the big subjects…but what exactly is ‘Love’.  We all use the word, almost daily – sometimes as the name we call our partner, sometimes out of habit and sometimes with feeling – but what do we mean by it?

We all know what we mean when we say we love our children, although that can be sorely tested by the teenage years – that bond we have, especially for very young and vulnerable children is indisputable.  It is surely the strongest love of all.  In fact it is quite rare for people to fall out of love with their children – they may dislike their actions, they may even stop talking to them – but love, that rarely dies.

Children’s love for their parents seems a bit more fragile.  We grow up quickly and can’t wait to break the bonds and flee the nest.  It is often later, as we grow a bit older ourselves and have children that we begin to ‘love’ our parents again.  And as they get old and frail we begin to take over the role of parent to these old and vulnerable children.

But love for a partner is a different thing.  We, all too easily, declare that we love them.  This can be a mixture of sexual desire or satisfaction, the unbelievable fact that someone likes us enough to kiss and stroke and all the rest, a reciprocation as they declare their love for us.  And it is certainly a strong emotion, and of course it should be.  Our species main motivation is to reproduce, and ‘love’, sexual love anyway, is one of the devices we have developed to keep the species going.

They say that women are looking for a partner to provide for them while they have children, and that men are designed to spread their genes as far and wide as possible.  I am not so sure that that holds true.  We may all, or some of us anyway, go through stages where sexual conquest and an avoidance of entanglement are driving us – but I think that we are all mostly looking for love.  To be totally alone can be pretty scary.  I have had periods when I was with someone, and times on my own – and by and large the bits with another person, who you thought at the time that you loved, was better than having no-one to love.  Because it is this reciprocation that we are all seeking.  Unrequited love may work in ‘pop ballads’ but is a misery we all want to avoid.

I am sure that we are driven far more by instinct than we think.  The instinct to have a long-term partner and have children with them is still very powerful, even though often economically disastrous and emotionally draining, we – at least most of us, succumb and have families of our own.  And then, if the relationship lasts, a deeper love develops. The longer we live with somebody (usually, at least) then the stronger that bond becomes as a different and more lasting love grows.  Strange that both love for our children and long-lasting love for a partner are not so commonly celebrated in song, but young lust and sexual attraction are so prevalent in popular culture.  But like a horse and carriage – you can’t have one without the other…