2066 – And All He Wants To Do Is Sleep

Thursday 1st September

Conversation date 20661201

-[It has been a week Janek.  It seems from the reports that you have been slipping backwards, sleeping longer, and resenting your waking periods.  Is that right?]-

If you say so.  All I know is I need to sleep.  All the time.  I don’t ever want to wake up.

-[Why is that Janek?  Why, do you think that you hate being awake?  What is it about the conscious state that is so unpleasant?]-

Because when I am awake I cannot think straight.  I can’t remember things. You lot have robbed me of the ability to remember anything.  When I am asleep I can remember everything, but as my eyes struggle against the light, as my senses wake they start to fade.  The only way I can hang onto them is by sleeping.  Oh, and that fucking headache is still there.  Thanks for the painkillers Bill – that was kind of you.

-[Which memories Janek?  What is it that you forget when you are awake?  I thought you indicated that all of your pre-conjoining memories were still there, perhaps a bit hazy, but still there.  Or am I mistaken?]-

Always, William.  You have always been mistaken.  HaHaHa.  I mean I can barely remember anything when I am awake.  Especially who I am or where I am.  It is like a glue.  Waking up is like trying to unglue myself.  I am so busy just trying to recognize my hands, my own body, that there is no room for any memories.  Slowly things begin to come back to me, but it seems to be taking longer and longer as the days pass by.  And the longer I am awake the more my head hurts.  So, I want to sleep again.  Because at least when I am asleep I am free.

-[What do you mean by free?  You aren’t a prisoner here.  Although undoubtedly there is no way you could be re-integrated outside of ‘select’.  That goes for most of us now of course; we are far too implicated.  I am concerned about this headache Janek.  I can assure you we are trying every painkiller known to us, short of knocking you out completely.   We have been administering the sort of drugs they used to give to terminal cancer patients before the euthenase programme was sanctioned.  Tell me, if you can, does your head still ache when you are asleep?]-

No, when I am asleep I have no pain at all.  And it is as if everything is reversed.  When I am asleep I can think clearly, I can remember every touch, every smell, everything.  But when I wake it is all fuzzy.  My head is wrapped in a blanket and yet it feels like it is being squeezed in a vice at the same time.  My thoughts are dis-jointed, the same phrases keep repeating themselves.  It is really an effort to concentrate enough to write this down.  And each thought hurts like hell.  That is why I want to sleep.  It is the only time I am not in pain.

-[ I am so sorry Janek.  Truly.  None of us expected this.  Especially that your recovery would fall back like this, and you were doing so well.  What do you suggest?  How would you like us to proceed?  Tell me, and I will see what I can do.  Anything to make you feel better.]-

I’ve already told you William.  I want to sleep, because then I am at rest.  The very act of thinking, or thinking about remembering when I am awake is painful.  Asleep I am at last at peace, with all my little memories around me.  What has happened is obvious, even to stupid me.  The second conjoining has taken away my very self.  It is only when I am asleep that I can find me, myself again.  The conjoining has been a failure I am afraid.  It wasn’t a completely bad idea, but it can’t be done.  Or maybe not with me.  Or with our primitive understanding.  Let the Hypercoms do what they want with my memories, but let me sleep.  Please.  That is all I ask.  Let me sleep.  Don’t ever wake me and I will be happy.