Sunday 1st july
Today I saw one of fashions worst crimes, black knickers under thin white cotton pants. Yes, my dear, we know you wear knickers, or at least we hope that you do, we just do not need to be reminded of how they barely cover your bulging bum. And despite their most unflattering tendency to flatten a lady’s breasts into a squidgy bulging sprawl so many of you still think that wearing boob tubes is a good idea. And footless tights? Whoever thought them attractive – a nice curvy calf sheathed in black only to be ruined by pale white and veiny feet protruding like some alien outcrop. On the subject of tights, if you must wear them, please make sure you buy the right size. Seeing tights being hoicked up or sagging in wrinkles at the knees is quite ridiculous, only exceeded by the dangling crutch if they are too short. If you must wear a thong then please keep it to yourself, and make sure that your trousers come up higher than this unflattering piece of kit; there is nothing worse than seeing three inches of enticing midriff bisected by the black t-junction of an industrial cheese-wire posing as knickers. And while we are talking about low-slung trousers and short tops, fine if you are slim, but fat flabby bum-cleavage is not going to get you admiring looks, whatever you might think. It is quite simple really – before leaving home, just look at yourself in a full-length mirror, pirouette round and see what you look like from the back too. If you want to look like a tart, fine, carry on; if not go back and choose something a bit more discreet from your wardrobe. And please, please, while you are at it, throw that poncho away; it was never a good idea my dear.