Thursday 23rd February
I seem to have slipped into a phase of having the same recurring dream. Not the same dream every night, but within each single night a different but still recurring dream. This has been going on for weeks now, or is it months maybe; recurring weeks and recurring months. And it is so debilitating, I wake up more tired than I was when my head hit the pillow. I have tried various remedies, a few drops of oil of primrose on my pillow, a small nightlight, avoiding my habitual late night coffee, even trying drinking chocolate with its sickly sweet taste – all to no avail. I wake up at intervals throughout the night, sometimes as early as an hour after drifting off, and there I am stuck in the dream, and I know I will still be dreaming this when I wake again in an hours’ time and in the morning too. I try to think other thoughts, change the direction of my dreams but wake again slap bang at the same pointless point in the same pointless repetitive dream. And it is so real, I am really there in it, living out every senseless repeated action, or saying the same stupid things, or worse still seeing the same figures and numbers on the page in front of me. Five minutes after properly waking and I cannot remember the actual dream, only the recurring nature of it. I wonder if I am anxious about something under my blanket of calm, or if there is something important I have forgotten which the dream is trying to nudge me into remembering. And my life is spinning away and past me like a ball of wool that has fallen to the floor, and the faster I try to pull the strand I am holding, the faster it unwinds and the further out of reach the ball rolls from my grasp. My life too has drifted into a recurring dream that try as I might I just cannot shake myself out of.