Wednesday 7th December

Looking back Harriet thought her mother hadn’t wasted much time, she had her sister Jane only two years after her firstborn.   But Harriet didn’t mind really, Jane was younger than her and always would be younger too, and no matter how much she tried she would never be top dog.  Harriet was the apple of her father’s eye from day one, he couldn’t get enough of her, and Jane would barely get a look in.  Harriet reasoned that that was just how it should be; she was the oldest and Jane was her younger sister; Harriet would show her everything all in good time, she just had to be patient.  Harriet considered her mother satisfactory in her own quiet way, but somehow she never really loved her, unlike her father who she admired and loved instantly.  Harriet felt that June never really loved her either, there was always that slightly guarded look in her eye; she didn’t love her child in the same unconditional way her father did.  Dad simply worshipped her, she could make him do anything she wanted, but she was never really sure where she stood with her mother, it was as if she wasn’t really there half the time. Harriet would speak to her, but would sometimes have to say the thing twice before she even realised the child was speaking, let alone to her.  After a while Harriet didn’t really bother asking her things, besides she had Jane to talk to by then.

*  * *

All  things considered Phil thought it would be a good idea for June to have another baby, he didn’t really want her going back to the shop again, not now he was being lined up to be a Junior Partner, and they could just afford it now.  And so Jane was planned, unlike Harriet who came out of the blue.  Phil still loved them both, of course, but they grew up so quickly.  One minute they were sleeping in their cots and the next off on their first day at school.  That all cost money too, but he was a Junior Partner by then and earning quite a good salary, and little opportunities to make a bit more money on the side kept coming along too.  He had thought he could put a stop to all of that, but it was harder than he thought.  He just kept getting sucked in, half the time he went along with it because he didn’t want to fall out with who turned out to be some quite dangerous acquaintances, and though he knew the law very well, they ended up having to cut so many corners he was really quite worried.  It all seemed to have a life of its own, Phil had started off being in control, but soon enough it seemed to be controlling him, and he was having to watch his back, even in the office.

*  * *

Jane was a far easier birth; they say the second one always is.  But June was determined that that was enough, two children and no more, even if it would have been nice to have had a boy, two girls it turned out to be.  And Jane was far more placid than Harriet had been; she would simply sleep, wake up and feed then drift back to sleep again, whereas Harriet had kept her up night after night, and even after her milk she didn’t seem tired.  Then just as the sun would come up, she would nod off at last.  June was exhausted those first few months with Harriet; she would just grab a few minutes of sleep sometime in the middle of the day if she got the chance.

The good thing was that she had stopped seeing Ted; he never bothered her at all while the girls were babies, and somehow that madness, that reckless desire for him, seemed to be wearing off.   Not that she fancied sex at all, even when Phil suggested they should try for another child.   June was just so tired all the time – sex was the last thing on her mind.  Well, she did get pregnant anyway, and Phil seemed really happy now.  He said they had the perfect family, Phil, June and their two lovely little girls.  June had to agree with him, but sometimes she wondered if the bargain was worth the price.  She had a lovely big house, and money seemed easier now too, but Phil was never on the same wavelength as her, unless he was working he seemed distracted and June never really knew what he was thinking; thank goodness he couldn’t read her thoughts either.

An odd couple, she used to muse to herself, but then maybe every couple is odd, maybe we are all like this, a bit disjointed, polite and kind to each other, but not really together, not like you read about in books and magazines.  And then before she knew it the girls were off to school, and she was at a loose end.  She had the housework to do, and it was a big house, but they weren’t using half the bedrooms, and two rooms downstairs they hardly went into either, besides she soon got tired of keeping house.  Phil had insisted that she get a twin-tub, and a Hoover to make life easier but there is only so much dusting a woman can do.   She would have liked to have gone back to work really, she missed the customers and the other girls, but she knew that wasn’t a possibility, the only women who worked after having children were obviously hard up and Phil would never have wanted people to think that.  So she mooched around the house and waited for Harriet and Jane to come back from school, and the more bored she got the more she got to thinking about Ted and all the fun they used to have.   Deep down she knew it was just a matter of time, but the sensible voice in her head told her not to be so daft, all of that was over and thank goodness too.