Sunday 18th February
The Conservatives – Our policy on Brexit is crystal clear. The people have spoken, and even though it was crass stupidity of Cameron to have allowed the referendum in the first place, those wretched Ukippers were stealing our votes – and it seemed a good idea at the time. Even though we were devastated by the result – or some of us were at least, we immediately embraced the idea. Our problem is that we do have some Brexit nutters in our party and they could, at any moment topple Saint Theresa. So, we must continue to obfuscate and confuse and refuse to commit to anything definite. In this way we not only keep our own party in check, but the dastardly Europeans have no idea what we want either. In the end, no matter what compromises we are forced to make, in order to get any sort of a trade deal at all, we, and our friends in the Press will laud it as a great triumph. Winning the next election is our only priority. So, you see, our policy is crystal clear.
Labour – Our policy on Brexit is crystal clear. Even though our Leader was always highly sceptical about the EU he campaigned ‘vigorously’ for Remain. Despite his best efforts the electorate chose to Leave. And we respect that decision, more in fear of them voting Tory than anything else. We know that leaving the EU will be a disaster economically, but it will have been the Tories who negotiated it, so we will blame them for everything. As soon as we know just what Mrs. May has negotiated we will, of course, oppose it. There are many, even some within our own party, who want us to declare now that we want to remain in the Single Market, or at least the Customs Union – but even though this is eminently sensible, that would be a mistake. Just think what the Sun and the Mail would make of that. No, our policy on Brexit is crystal clear.
The LibDems Our policy on Brexit is crystal clear. We wish it had never happened. In fact – we don’t really believe that the public actually voted to leave – they may have ticked that box, but they had no idea what they were doing, there was a collective lapse of common-sense, and It is obvious that in that case we must re-run the referendum (and continue to re-run it until the right decision is achieved). However, as we will never gain power on our own, who cares. We can say whatever we like and be complacent in the knowledge that we are always right. If there should be a hung parliament we will not go into Coalition (not after last time) but will simply sit on the fence – that is, if Mr. Corbyn can share the fence with us. So, you see, our p0licy on Brexit is crystal clear.
UKIP – Of all the parties, no-one can deny that our policy is crystal clear. We have always and will always hate Europe. We will fight them on the beaches. However we will be furious if when we actually leave Europe, our MEP salaries will cease. What a cheek, and a very EU thing to do. When we finally elect a leader with the slightest shred of credibility and win the next election we will build a wall along the Channel and repel all boarders. Long Live the Empire. Our policy on Brexit is the only policy we have, and it is crystal clear.
Author’s note – I hope that this has cleared up any misunderstandings which you the general public may have had.