Thursday 16th August

I never really expected that much out of life; too busy fucking it up anyway to be seriously thinking about expectations.  Like John Lennon, I always knew I was a genius; I just couldn’t understand why no-one else had noticed.  But genius or not I realised only too well my faults.  And maybe through my parents constant nagging and deprecation any sense of self-worth was well and truly knocked out of me at an early age.  I knew I was a ne’er do well, who had been lucky to escape expulsion on numerous occasions, and I felt the die was well and truly cast.  Running away from home with only 6 crappy ‘O’ levels probably didn’t help either, and I really didn’t care what I did to earn money, it was all just a job.  The constant failures of my relationships only confirmed my lack of any self-confidence, but hey I was a survivor.  Okay, so other people were climbing the greasy pole but I was still alive, which was an amazing achievement in itself.  So I never expected much, and any crumbs which fell my way were appreciated by this unworthy recipient.  By more luck than judgment, and a dread of debt inherited from my parents I did manage to buy a house and pay off my mortgage early.  Forced by circumstances to sell at what turned out to be just after the height of the market I suddenly ended up with quite a large sum of money in the bank.  I felt totally unworthy of this; it was unearned income and like so many of my and my parents generation house price inflation had rewarded us; only I realised this had nothing to do with my achievements, unlike so many who think they were clever and deserved it.  And now I am busy de-cluttering and trying to live more simply, with even fewer expectations – after all I could die tomorrow.  I am truly grateful for anything which has come my way, and can assure you it was all just luck.  And though disappointed at my own lack of ambition I have never been disappointed with my lot in life, after all I never expected much.