A New Year – What Could Possibly Go Wrong ?

Friday 1st January

Well, looking back 2016 wasn’t such a bad year after all.  And 2017 is looking promising too…

Donald Trump was elected the next president of America.  Hilary Clinton was humbled by revelations of her own salacious affairs which she strenuously denied ( for some reason Bill seemed to enjoy them).  Donald promised that in his first hundred days he would repeal Obama Health Care, cut taxes by 50% and bomb Moscow unless Putin butts out (his words) of Ukraine.

The war in Syria is over; ISIS has disappeared, no fighters were ever found, just a pile of CIA instruction manuals (some Ruskie plot no doubt).  The warring factions are squabbling over the pile of rubble left after the West decided that Assad was the real enemy and bombed Damascus.

The flood of refugees from Yemen, Saudi Arabia, the Gulf States, Libya, Chad, Niger, Somalia and Nigeria continued to sweep into Europe as fighting extended over much of Africa and Arabia.  Schengen was abandoned and armed guards now search every vehicle crossing borders in Europe.

Against all predictions the British voted to leave the EU.  Cameron resigned and Theresa triumphed over Boris.  George Osborne refused to serve under her, insisting that ‘she didn’t really believe in Austerity anymore’ after she rebelled against his proposed 50% cut in funding to Education and the NHS (as she said, 20% was quite sufficient, thank-you).  But her real triumph was in the new Hunting All Wild Animals Act where it is now illegal for anyone to protect any wild creature at all; the sale of pink hunting jackets soared once she brought in a 30% subsidy for anyone carrying a Tory party card.  Fracking was in full swing after the 200% tariff on all renewable energy was passed with support from the LibDems. The Airports commission has promised a final decision on a new runway some time after 2020 and we are still waiting for the results of the Chilcot Inquiry into the Iraq war, rumours that Tony is withholding his consent to conversations he had with Rupert are obviously baseless. (Tony Blair incidentally now lives in America with George Dubya Bush on his new ranch which used to be called Nevada)

Chucka Umuna, the newly elected (under emergency rules) Labour leader has promised to support all of Theresa May’s measures and that Super-New-Labour will be even more ruthless against benefit scroungers than she is.  The funeral for Jeremy Corbyn, who sadly died when an out of control oil tanker mowed him and his bicycle down on Islington High Street (the driver ran away from the scene and has never been traced), was attended by over a million and the Police had to use water cannon and tasers to control the mob.

However the weather has again been a nuisance; ten times the normal rainfall over the North of England means that the Lake District is now known as the Lake and only the thin strip of the Pennines now separates England from Scotland; (at least the Jocks can’t take our jobs now).  Theresa May has assured us that this is a once in a ten thousand year occurrence and that the Northern Powerhouse will be rebuilt as soon as it stops raining.

Hahaha…..have a great 2016 everybody.