Catherine’s blog – day sixteen
Monday August 15th
I have occasionally been accused of being a snob, not the nicest of accusations, I must admit, but I think that often people mistake reserve or diffidence for some sort of elevated snootiness. I am, as almost everyone seems to be nowadays, middle class. I was born into the middle classes, unlike many who now seem to have acquired their middleclass-ness, much as one might acquire the habit of wearing sensible shoes; it just seems to fit better that way. And this classlessness, or middleclass-ness, is by far preferable to the awful class restrictions I grew up with; the aristocracy, the county set, the professional and the lower managerial middle classes, the white collar and the blue collar workers, and the unashamedly working classes, and all gradations in-between. Now; apart from a few who consider themselves upper class at the top, and those that do not want to be known as, but undoubtedly are, ‘chavs’, at the bottom, the majority of us are middle class. We are just as comfortable buying ciabatta as white sliced, we holiday all over the place without looking down on those who stay in Britain, we buy ready meals from M. & S, we are quite at home in any ethnic restaurant and we watch less and less television, and spend more and more time on the internet. I like the anonymity this brings, the sense of unquestioning where you came from or who your parents were, that we all enjoy. So call me a snob at your peril. Discerning, slightly reserved, outwardly comfortable in myself- yes, but in no way do I consider myself superior, far from it – if you only knew how inferior I feel to almost everyone else. That is why I try to hide it with my old-fashioned looks, and my sometimes pre-occupied air. So despite my own declaration you should not always judge a book by its cover. But I sincerely hope you do mine, and decide to buy it.
Catherine’s blog – day fifteen
Sunday August 14th
And here is one of those little snippets of memory:
It is 1959 and I am 13, we are all living happily (or so I supposed back then) in Putney, the memories of sunny days in Cyprus far behind me, and getting harder to remember by the day, stuck here in this pale and rainy city. We are off to visit Aunt Maud in Cheltenham, we only go about once every two or three years; so at my age each visit seems like a little adventure. We take a taxi to Paddington, heaven knows how we could have managed it all on the tube, as Grandma has insisted in taking not only clothes for every contingency, including tropical sunshine and monsoon rain, but also a whole suitcase of shoes, and one for towels too. (as Aunt Maud is not known for her generosity in that department) We are only going for a week but we seem to have enough luggage for at least a month. Added to that my mother disappears at busy-bustling Paddington , and catches up with the porter pushing our haphazardly loaded trolley just as our train is announced, clutching a veritable stack of periodicals and magazines and even a couple of paperback books. As soon as she spots a W. H. Smith she turns into some demented reader who simply must empty the shelves of all the shop possesses. Grandma is fussing with the two or three large hold-alls perched on the trolley, trying to locate the thermos and sandwiches, if only to reassure herself that, yes indeed, she had packed them. “At least we don’t have to rely on the Buffet car.” She chirps. I am lost in admiring the latticework struts and pillars which seem to disappear, high-high up above us amidst a whole cathedral’s worth of smutty green and black glass. I am turning and turning slowly round and round lost in the kaleidoscope of engineering, and wondering how on earth they ever managed it. Grandma is busy instructing the porter which carriage we are in, and my mother is already surreptitiously flicking through some gardening book. We are just settled into our compartment, with Grandma’s assortment of Gladstone bags and hold-alls safely in the overhead string-woven luggage racks; my mother deep into one of her paperback books in the opposite corner, and me, testing out the bounciness of the long upholstered seat. I rub a space out of the yellowed grimy window by spitting on a hanky and rubbing, the whistle blows three high pitched blasts, the guard’s flag is raised and slowly we lurch forwards and out of Isombard Kingdom Brunel’s masterpiece of iron and glass, out past the dirty blackened brick rows of London houses, and away.
Enough for now, but I will finish this piece later. (Promise)
Thursday11th August 2011
And London seems to be back to its’ normal hustle and bustle. Nothing seems to halt its’ avaricious progress or growth. The masses of tourists keep on flocking here; the economic migrants from Eastern Europe and Russia; more and more Chinese everywhere you look, and of course, the Wealthy, who never seem to tire of the fashionable restaurants of Mayfair and the shops of Bond Street. I can remember when Bond Street was so different back in the early seventies. It was still trendy, but it was almost a secret world, discovered only by the lucky few cognoscenti. It was still predominated by fashion, but not by the big names; the Christian Diors, the Guccis and the like. It was a much more higgledy-piggledy affair, with tiny boutiques and hairdressers and shoe shops – always new ones opening or closing. And the clothes were really original too, not seeming to be mass-produced as are today’s “Designer Items”. Nobody called them designers either back then; it wasn’t cool to parade a name on the outside of clothes or be decked out in Burberry check. And I really think it was friendlier too, although I couldn’t afford to actually shop there that often, I used to pop into one or two favourites and the girls there all seemed to know me, and were quite happy for me to browse, all of us knowing I had no real intention of buying. Now, you go into a clothes shop and are either deliberately ignored, so that even if you like something, there is no chance of finding it in your size, or a different shade – or are descended on by vultures of sales assistants, who hover dangerously close, so that you are instantly intimidated and don’t even want to stay another minute in their wretched shop. Or maybe it is just that I was young then, and now I am just another old woman who should really have known better than to have wandered into the territory of the new and fearless. Ah, well.
Wednesday10th August 2011
Well, apologies for yesterday. As you can see, it made my blood boil – just somewhat!! The waste, I suppose, and the pointlessness of it all. And yes I do remember living there. They say that love is blind, well I must have been truly besotted not to have taken stock and refused to return night after night to Amhurst Road and those nightmarish mansion blocks. Where on earth was my reason, where was my self-respect? Or was I so in love that I was incapable of seeing around me – the desolation, the despair and the waste of human potential. Or was I as trapped as all the other residents; Adrian by his previous homelessness and need for a roof over his head and I by my stubborn refusal to let Grandma see she had won, that she had beaten me. More fool me, you may be thinking.
But no, maybe I had to go through all of that in order to emerge the other side. And it also, of course, taught me a lesson. And that was that I would never end up there again, or anywhere like it. I worked hard and took my opportunity, when it appeared, to make sure I was financially secure. And I make no apologies for that at all. None whatsoever.
We all in our own ways have to learn to survive.
Tuesday 9th August 2011
And now on top of potential financial meltdown and European countries in massive debt, we have riots in London. As if that will solve anything. The helicopter pictures are showing the very same dreary streets in Hackney, and the same wretched prison-like blocks of flats I lived in with Adrian all those years ago. And nothing seems to have changed at all; the same hopelessness on the faces; the same desperation; the same squalor. And people are still having to live there like that. I know because I had to live there, and it was depressing, then, in 1972. Everywhere else people’s living standards have risen out of all contrast to those dark days. Why on earth are those mansion blocks still standing, they were decrepit and ripe for demolition in the seventies. .
It seems as if the Police and the Courts and all the Social Workers are just perpetuating the misery; simply processing a problem rather than attempting to solve it. God, I sound like a Socialist. Heaven forbid!! And New Labour with all its’ false promises failed to do anything either, so it is no use pointing the finger at just one political party.
And I can safely predict that in twenty years time we will have young people out on the streets rioting again. As Marlene Dietrich used to sing in that strangely hypnotic husky voice, “When will they ever learn, When will they eeeee-vurrr learn?
Monday 8th August 2011
And back to normality, or what passes for it these days. One of the hardest things when one is single again, (and no, I have no intention of dipping my toes into that water ever again) is simply what to eat. After being a complete novice for years, my few adventures into culinary expertise while still at home had long since petered out. The same problem as now, when one has only oneself to cook for, really, what is the point. My mother was either not actually around, or even if she was, she seemed completely indifferent to anything I had cooked, so more often than not I would simply rustle up a sandwich or poach an egg on toast.
But when I met Jennifer and her crowd, and that wonderful first holiday in Tuscany I really discovered or uncovered my love for cooking. With Edward we always ate well, and I am not ashamed to admit to being a really reasonable cook. Following a recipe is after all only applied intelligence. Once one has mastered a few techniques and understands the terminology then it is only a case of following instructions. The mistake most people make is simply not to properly read the recipe in the first place. But now I can’t help feeling that there is no point anymore. So I trudge around Waitrose picking up and discarding ready meals for one. So it is back to poaching eggs, or heating up ready to eat soup. Funny how life goes round in circles.
Sunday 7th August 2011
Sunday Sunday so good to me, as the refrain I remember from one of Adrian’s records went. (Don’t ask me who, I have long ago forgotten, and rarely listen to pop music these days) But Sunday Sunday is not always so good. When one is retired, or not needing to work, as has been my situation for many, many years now, that wonderful elation one gets at the prospect of the weekend, those two days when work is no more, and one has a new-found freedom. The actuality is all too often that the days are wasted, of course, but there is no replacing that Friday night feeling.
I can remember the few years after Adrian, when my hotel colleagues and I would set off for the pub for a few drinks. All of a sudden, the cares and woes of the working week were behind us, and a daft sort of mood would take us over. They were some of the happiest memories I had of that time. The disappointments I had suffered at both at the hands of Grandma and Adrian were in the past now, and I could relax and just be one of the girls. A feeling I had never had before. I was never really a joiner-in, I don’t know why. Even at school I was actually a complete loner. Jennie and Gwennie seemed to like me for some reason, and though I was generally quite indifferent to other girls, it was no hardship to go along with them and be their friend. It made schooldays a bit more interesting, but I was not surprised that as soon as school was over, and we went our separate ways, I hardly heard from them. But my work colleagues, especially Rosemary and Gillian have kept in touch, and Rosemary and her second husband Trevor even came out to Tuscany one year. They live in Maidstone and they are constantly asking me to go and spend a weekend with them, but I think not. I find it easier on my own. I mean what do you say when they inevitably ask how I am getting on without Edward. So I mostly spend my weekends alone, and I find Sundays particularly tedious. I sometimes think I should work again, just for that weekend experience, but really, what would I do? Maybe I should contact the Hospice again and see if they need any help. Or maybe I should try another book. Fiction this time, I think. Or perhaps just more fictitious than last time.
Sitting here in the quiet stillness of my sheltered but tiny garden. I feel that Ihaven’t really told you very much about my old school in Putney. Queen Mary’s Preparatory School for Girls, to give it its’ full title. It was an Edwardian monstrosity, tall, dark and foreboding. It was actually taller than it was wide, as were all six classrooms, and the Assembly Hall. All were shoe-horned into a space the width of maybe three houses in a quiet leafy road well away from the busy high street.
It was here that wisdom was to be imparted into the heads of the few lucky girls whose parents had the slight wherewithal to pay the not too exorbitant fees. The staff were all women, and of a certain age too, and one or two of the really older staff wore their black University Gowns with their College Ribbons around the halter necks.
The classrooms were almost all identical and I can particularly remember green glass conical light shades on long brass chains hanging in regimented rows, each light imparting a six foot wide circle of light, so that on winter days there was as much gloom in the classroom as light.
The desks were also of Edwardian vintage I would say, and were paired together, each classmate permanently shackled to their twin. The sloping desk-tops were also lids to coffin-like boxes where we were supposed to keep our exercise books, pens, pencils, ruler and a bottle of Quink; but they also served as receptacles for each girls’s favourite pastime. Jennie had her stash of Woman and Woman’s Own, I could never quite work out if she had purchased or purloined them from her mother. Gwennie had her penknife, several swodges of damp blotting paper, and various balls of differing size and consistency. My desk was tidy and secreted amongst my exercise books would always be a novel or two, and one of many notebooks for my secret of all secret jottings. Here I would write down words I wasn’t quite sure of the meaning of, which I had come across in a book, or just a lovely turn of phrase, a neat simile or a clever metaphor. Wish I had them now.