Friday 15th August

Been doing some thinking lately, only to realize the bloomin’ obvious – this life is not a dress rehearsal.   I am out in France again and it takes me a day to two to acclimatize, or actually to let go.  I have got myself quite worked up, stressed out, whatever – at work lately.  Stupidly allowing things to get on top of me; thinking that if I don’t do all of this work the world will somehow collapse.  And getting angry, the stupidest thing of all.  Because one thing I should have learnt by now is that your anger only hurts one person – yourself.   And so it is time to begin to let go.  What is the worst that will happen?  If they sack me it can only be a bonus.   And I must now start focusing on retirement, on the new life we will lead, mostly out here in Eymet, but also wherever we spend our time.

I want to get back to writing, the new book “The Philanthropist” is just started and I need a few days of concentrated effort to take it forward.  Impossible while I living this crazy half-life.  And of all my talents (hahaha) I truly believe Art was my best.  I managed to keep drawing and painting well into my thirties and really need to begin again.  I am not a great artist at all, but not bad for all that.  And the big difference with a painting is that you can see straight away if it is any good; a novel is much harder to be self-critical about.

So, life is not a dress rehearsal.  Okay.  And although we will all die, I would like to leave behind me, as well as a book or two, some paintings.  They can achieve a degree of immortality which will outlive one.  For so long I concentrated on trying to gain some sort of financial security, and something to leave my kids.  Would it be such a sin to spend the money and leave them nothing but a few paintings?  Answers on a postcard addressed to dad, please.