Tuesday 10th January

I really do not know what happened to me, it is still a bit of a blur.  I had been suffering from a sore throat for a few days, and was a bit down to say the least.  My brain felt as if it was in a blanket all day, as if I hadn’t really woken up yet.  All I remember was queuing for what seemed an age for my Starbucks today, and really wanting to just sit down, and let the world go away.  I picked the mug up at the end of the counter, on that little round platform they have, and turned away to walk to the sugar station.  I particularly like a sprinkle of vanilla infused icing sugar stirred in, and just a splash of cinnamon on top of the foam.  And then all hell seemed to break loose, one minute there I was coffee in hand and walking calmly towards the sugar station, the next I am covered in coffee, my trousers soaking, coffee in my bag, down my arm and even in my hair.  I am sure I didn’t bump into anyone; no-one else was involved at all. Did my fingers slip, did the handle of the mug slide round and tip the coffee everywhere or did I have a tiny little blackout, did I slip for a moment out of the conscious world and into some other somnambulant state for a second?  I cannot even remember seeing the coffee spill; one minute it was in the mug and the next all over me.

The staff were very kind and insisted on me having another coffee, but I just wanted to get away, away from the wretched place immediately.  I almost ran out of the shop, and how I got home is still a blur.  I just needed to get in the shower as quick as possible, and even the key almost got stuck in the lock and I was pushing it hard into the lock and just delaying myself further.  My wet trouser leg sticking to my thigh was really irritating me by now.  At last I got the key to work, and almost ripped off my coffee soaked clothes and got into the shower.  Then wrapped in a toweling robe I collapsed on the sofa and cried.  Yes, I broke down and cried and cried, a mixture of helplessness and acute embarrassment and shame and even a bit of fear.  And for ages after I was really shaken, but I can remember seeing the icing sugar still floating on the foam, and the coffee wasn’t even stirred.