I looked in the mirror and saw I was old

Wednesday 25th January

Of course, I look in the mirror every day; we all do I am sure, but I don’t really see myself.  Not the real me, I look only at my reflection and not at myself.  I am looking to see how well I may have applied my make-up, or if my teeth are clean, but I don’t look at me.  Besides one is so used to the reflection, that you don’t really look beyond those familiar features and into the face, do you?

But today, it really hit me, that I looked old.  I have had a bit of a cold since the New Year, not a real stinker, no runny nose, no ‘maybe it’s flu’ type of cold, just a really irritating sore throat that will not go away.  I have drunk I do not know how many bottles of cough medicine, and have sickened myself with lozenges and Strepsils so that I cannot even bear to look at the packets any more, and still the cough persists.  I almost wouldn’t mind if it actually developed into a full blown cold, because then I could understand where it was coming from.

But the worst of it is that I feel tired all the time.  I wake up tired, and it really doesn’t help going to bed early either.  I feel that I am tired of it all, my situation, the weather, London and most of all, of course, of myself.  I looked in the mirror this morning and thought “My God girl, you are beginning to look old.”  Not just my age, or tired, but old.

So I must try to buck myself up a bit.  I need a new project, and not just the book. Don’t even ask how that is going, because it isn’t going anywhere except maybe into the bin soon.  Perhaps I just need a holiday, but I have never been that sort of a person who can just go off on their own.  I did that once in Paris, and don’t want to do that again in a hurry.

So I am just going to huddle up under a blanket and watch stupid telly all night.  Old as I look or not.