Thursday 12th January
This message is for anyone young, born in this Century or just before it; us Oldies can shift for ourselves – either we have a decent pension and somewhere to live or if not we should shuffle off as quick as possible and make way for the new kids on the (chopping) block.
Firstly – get rich. Not as simple as it sounds maybe. Rich Mum and Dad will help; you are far more likely to get ahead with wealthy parents. Rich grandparents will do; get in their doting good books and hope they get something untreatable soon and the money will be yours. You can always try working….hahaha – but better to start up your own silly company, preferably on-line; borrow as much money from the banks as possible, form a limited company; screw your suppliers and pay them late and make sure you get paid damn quick for whatever you are selling. The poorer among you should consider porn or escort work, good money to be made, especially from stupid old men; shut your eyes and imagine the punter is some young hunk you really fancy (most of us oldies do that anyway). Theft is getting harder and harder so unless you are some computer geek leave it alone – it’s a mugs game.
Secondly get a good education, or at least the bits of paper that pretend you might have had one. Remember knowledge is useless, knowing how to access information is all that is important. Be a good blagger, dress smartly and never hesitate, always agree with those in power, flatter them and lie about your abilities. And remember to stamp down hard on the hands of those climbing the ladder behind you, you don’t want anyone to overtake you. Use people before they use you, or better still let them think they are using you while all the while you are really using them. Learn all the new buzzwords, and be ready to jump ship and learn a new skill; almost every job will be done better by computers one day so try to keep at the cutting edge.
As soon as you can buy a property; money is cheap and rents are high. And as soon as you can up-size and borrow to the max. You may need the emotional blackmail of screwing your parents for the deposit – but hey, they don’t want to see you homeless and what are they gonna do with all their dosh anyway.
Put off getting married and having sprogs for as long as biologically possible, we almost all succumb in the end, but don’t get bogged down in nappies and shit until you have a house and a nice car and a job.
Give up any childish belief in Religion. How can Donald trump and God exist in the same Universe? Durghhhh
Remember this – in this wonderful 21st Century it is the greedy and the selfish and the clever who will survive best. A conscience is just bad luggage, “do unto others before they do it to you”.
Or you could just try and be human…..good luck